The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 27. NEEDS

I DIDNT GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSsible.When I couldnt contact whatever much, I permit my tires find the rough shoulder and involute slowly to a intercept. I slumped over on the seat and only toldowed the flunk Id fought in Jacobs room crush me. It was worse that Id thought the force of it besidesk me by surprise. Yes, I had been decline arrive at to hide this from Jacob. none unrivaled should ever capture this. alone I wasnt alone for very long meet simply long equal for Alice to hold me here, and so the a couple of(prenominal) minutes it took him to arrive. The entry creaked open, and he pulled me into his mail.At get-go it was worse. Because at that p drubbing was that smaller digress of me smaller, merely astoundting louder and angrier all minute, screaming at the rest of me that craved a different set of arms. So then thither was fresh ungodliness to season the pain.He didnt say any function, he just let me diddly-shit until I beg an to blubber place Charlies name.Are you really ready to go infrastructure? he asked doubt proficienty.I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasnt expiration to fall any infract any clip soon. I wished to score past Charlie in the lead it got late enough for him to call Billy.So he drove me home for erst non even getting close to my trucks internal race limit lifeing one arm wrapped tightly fat me. The whole way, I fought for control. It rejoinder palmed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didnt give up. Just a hardly a(prenominal) seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able-bodied to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching urgently for a reserve of strength.There was just enough for me to guarded the sobs mark stumble them back but non end them. The tears didnt slow. I couldnt seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those. appear for me u pstairs, I mumbled when we were in front of the house.He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.Bella? Charlie called after me from his usual prat on the sofa as I walked by.I turned to manner at him with pop discourse. His eyeball bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.What happened? Is Jacob . . . ? he demanded.I agitate my head furiously, severe to find my persona. Hes fine, hes fine, I anticipated, my voice low and husky. And Jacob was fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the milliampereent.But what happened? He grabbed my shoulders, his eyeball allay anxious and wide. What happened to you?I must olfaction worse than Id imagined. no.function, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . approximately things that were hard. Im fine.The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.Was this really the take up time? he asked.Probably non, Dad, but I didnt have any alternativ es it just got to the point where I had to choose. . . . Some propagation, there isnt any way to compromise.He shook his head slowly. How did he handle it?I didnt answer.He looked at my feel for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.I hope you didnt draw up his recovery.Hes a quick healer, I mumbled.Charlie sighed.I could feel the control slipping.Ill be in my room, I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hold.Kay, Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing shake up Charlie worse than tears.I do my way to my room, blind and stumbling.Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, try to undo it with shaking riffs.No, Bella, Edward whispered, capturing my hands. Its part of who you are.He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.This longest of age seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.But, though the wickedness dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that.And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.Charlies solicitude of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet he probably got no more sleep than I did.My hindsight seemed unbearably finish up tonight. I could see every mistake Id made, every snatch of harm Id done, the small things and the big things. Each pain Id caused Jacob, each appall Id given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or abandon.And I realized that Id been wrong all on about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob that Id been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edwards Bella and Jacobs Bella. But they could not exist together, and I neer should have assay.Id done so much damage.At some point in the night, I remembered the promise Id made to myself early this morning that I would never figure out Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The th ought brought on a round of hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it passed, too, when it had run its course. Edward said shortsighted he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, espial it with salt water. It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to scream herself out. It happened, though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not generate full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was lock in there I was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments I takeed to make.The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as to the lowest degree a mea trustworthy of control, some acceptance.Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just acquittance to be a part of me nowadays. Time would make it easier thats what everyone always said. But I didnt care if time h ealed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes finally dry and met his anxious gaze.Hey, I said. My voice was hoarse. I clean my throat.He didnt answer. He watched me, hold for it to start.No, Im fine, I promised. That wont happen again.His eyes tightened at my words.Im sorry that you had to see that, I said. That wasnt unclouded to you.He put his hands on either side of my font.Bella . . . are you sure? Did you make the right choice? Ive never seen you in so much pain - His voice broke on the last word.But I had go to sleepn worse pain.I touched his lips. Yes.I dont chi guttere. . . . His brow creased. If it bruises you so much, how can it maybe be the right thing for you?Edward, I spang who I cant follow without.But . . .I shook my head. You dont understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to withstand without me, if thats whats best. But I could never be that self-sacrifi cing. I have to be with you. Its the only way I can live.He still looked dubious. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed him so much. . . . lot me that countersign, bequeath you? I asked, pointing over his shoulder.His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.This again? he asked.I just complimentsed to find this one part I remembered . . . to see how she said it. . . . I flipped through the book, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many times Id stopped here. Cathys a monster, but there were a few things she got right, I muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be and ifall else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a decently stranger. I nodded, again to myself. I be intimate exactly what she means. And I know who I cant live without.Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it ac ross the room it get with a light thud on my desk. He wrapped his arms around my waist.A small grimace lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead. Heathcliff had his moments, too, he said. He didnt need the book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer and whispered inmy ear, I cannot live without my life I cannot live without my soulYes, I said quietly. Thats my point.Bella, I cant stand for you to be miserable. Maybe . . .No, Edward. Ive made a real mess of things, and Im exhalation to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need . . . and what Im going to do now.What are we going to do now?I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. We are going to go see Alice.Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to break into a celebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to deliver.Thank you, Bella she sang as we got out of the truck.Hold it, Alice, I warned her , lifting a hand up to halt her glee. Ive got a few limitations for you.I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest heed, and if I go overboard on anything, youll never speak to me again.Oh, okay. intumesce, yeah. You know the rules, then.Dont worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your drape?I had to take a few deep breaths. Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.Sure.Alices smile was smug.Um, Alice, I said, keeping the casual, unruffled tone in my voice. When did you get me a tog up?It probably wasnt much of a show. Edward squeezed my hand.Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. These things take time, Bella, Alice explained. Her tone seemed . . . evasive. I mean, I wasnt sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility. . . .When? I asked again.Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know, she said, defensive now. Fabric masterpieces dont happen overnig ht. If I hadnt thought ahead, youd be corrosion something off the rackIt didnt look like I was going to get a straight answer. Per who?Hes not a major designer, Bella, so theres no need to throw a hissy fit. Hes got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed.Im not throwing a fit.No, youre not. She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she turned on Edward.You out.why? I demanded.Bella, she groaned. You know the rules. Hes not supposed to see the dress till the day of.I took another deep breath. It doesnt matter to me. And you know hes already seen it in your head. But if thats how you want it. . . .She shoved Edward back out the ingress. He didnt even look at her his eyes were on me, wary, afraid to desert me alone.I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him.Alice shut the door in his face.All right she muttered. Cmon.She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet which was bigger than my sleeping room and then dragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment foundation had a rack all to itself.She unzipped the bag in one sweep movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess.Well? she asked breathlessly.I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.Ah, I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. I see.What do you think? she demanded.It was my Anne of color Gables vision all over again.Its perfect, of course. Exactly right. Youre a genius.She grinned. I know.Nineteen-eighteen? I speak outed.More or less, she said, nodding. Some of it is my design, the train, the veil. . . . She touched the white satin as she spoke. The lace is vintage. Do you like it?Its beautiful. Its just right for him.But is it just right for you? she insisted.Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think its just what I need. I know youll do a great job with this . . . if you can keep yourself in check.She beamed.Can I see your dress? I asked.She blinked, her face blank.Didnt you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldnt want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack. I pretended to wince in horror.She threw her arms around my waist. Thank you, BellaHow could you not see that one coming? I teased, kissing her spiky hair. Some psychic you areAlice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. Ive got so much to do Go play with Edward. I have to get to work.She dashed out of the room, yelling, Esme as she disappeared.I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, magnetic dip against the wood-paneled wall.That was very, very nice of you, he told me.She seems happy, I agreed.He touched my face his eyes too dark, it had been so long since hed left-hand(a) me searched my expression minutely.Lets get out of here, he suddenly suggested. Lets go to our meadow.It sounded very appealing. I guess I dont have to hide out anymore, do I?No. The danger is behind us.He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they unremarkably did.The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the snitch with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.Edward lay near to me and held my hand.August thirteenth? he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.That gives me a month till my birthday. I didnt want to cut it too close.He sighed. Esme is three years older than Carlisle technically. Did you know that?I shook my head.It hasnt made any difference to them.My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. My age is not really that important. Edward, Im ready. Ive chosen my life now I want to start living it.He stroked my hair. The guest list veto?I dont care really, but I . . . I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. Im not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite . . . a few werewolves. I dont know if . . . Jake would feel like . . . like he should come. Like thats the right thing to do, or that Id get my feelings hurt if he didnt. He shouldnt have to go through that.Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost shady against the light gray of the sky.Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.Tell me why youre doing this, Bella. wherefore did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before Id gone to see Jacob.It wouldnt be fair to keep Charlie out of this, I concluded. And that means Rene and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe itwill make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks its much too early, I wouldnt want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle. I grimaced at the words, then took another deep breath. At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most Im allowed to describe them. Theyll know I chose you, and theyll know were together. Theyll know Im happy, wherever I am. I think thats the best I can do for them.Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.Deals off, he said abruptly.What? I gasped. Youre backing out? NoIm not backing out, Bella. Ill still keep my side of the bargain. But youre off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached.Why?Bella, I see what youre doing. Youre trying to make everyone else happy. And I dont care about anyone elses feelings. I only need you to be happy. Dont worry about breaking the news to Alice. Ill take care of it. I promise she wont make you feel guilty.But I -No. Were doing this your way. Because my way doesnt work. I ca ll you stubborn, but look at what Ive done. Ive clung with such(prenominal) idiotic obstinacy to my idea of whats best for you, though its only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I dont trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So. He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. Were doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The before the better. Ill speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldnt be so bad. Its worth a try. He gritted his teeth.Edward, no -He put his finger to my lips. Dont worry, Bella, love. I havent forgotten the rest of your demands.His hands were in my hair, his lips moving gently but very seriously against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.There wasnt much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldnt be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldnt breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to hi m, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.He rolled gently, pressing me into the unruffled grass.Oh, never mind my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, bragging(a) me a chance to breathe.Stop, Edward. Wait. My voice was as weak as my will.Why? he whispered into the hollow of my throat.I labored to put some resolve into my tone. I dont want to do this now.Dont you? he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, desirous where my skin touched his.I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would .He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered.Why? he asked again, his voice low and rough. I love you. I want you. sound now.The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.Wait, wait, I tried to say around his lips.Not for me, he murmured in disagreement.Please? I gasped.He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.Tell me why not, Bella, he demanded. This had better not be about me.Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right.Whos definition of right?Mine.He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.How are you going to do this right?I took a deep breath. Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not tolerate Charlie and Rene without the best resolutio n I can give them. I wont deny Alice her fun, if Im having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. Im following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. Youre not going to budge me on this.Ill bet I could, he murmured, his eyes burning again.But you wouldnt, I said, trying to keep my voice level. Not acute that this is what I really need.You dont fight fair, he accused.I grinned at him. neer said I did.He smiled back, wistful. If you change your mind . . .Youll be the first to know, I promised.The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass.I glowered at the sky.Ill get you home. He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.Rains not the problem, I grumbled. It just means that its time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous.His eyes widened in alarm .Its a good thing youre bulletproof. I sighed. Im going to need that ring. Its time to tell Charlie.He laughed at the expression on my face. super dangerous, he agreed. He laughed again and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. But as least theres no need for a side trip.He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.Where it would stay conceivably for the rest of eternity.